Holy Deep Impact, Batman!

Asteroid Impact Alert Level*

Last week the Near Earth Objects Information Centre issued a retraction regarding the earlier news report that 2003 QQ47 had a strong likelihood of impacting in 14 years.

Your challenge, gentle reader, generate similar wise-apple comments to a real or fictitous story. (Please keep it clean!)

Here is a sample comments on the above story.


Subject: We’re not going to be hit by an asteroid in 11 years (Spread the word.)
Quote:

“However we hope by keeping the public and media informed of this kind of issue, as it is unfolding rather than after the fact, we can promote the process of asteroid detection, tracking and risk assessment.”

Translation:

“We want to make sure funding is secure by provoking public mass hysteria on matters that can neither be controlled nor accurately forecast.


I wondered why we’d lowered the “Asteroid Alert Level
to Yellow this morning..


Yeah, turns out one of the other asteroids we had in custody
on Guantanamo was deceiving NASA in their interrogations.


The British government has learned that “Asteroid 2003 QQ47”
recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.


When asked to comment, Comical Ali replied, “The holy asteroid will smite the Infidels where they are, somewhere in Kuwait! It will fall no where NEAR Baghdad!”


(* credit for the Asteroid Alert Level goes to Jeff Miller.)

3 thoughts on “Holy Deep Impact, Batman!”

  1. France Sends Its Elderly to Patrol Iraq to Increase Their Longevity

    PARIS (AP) – France’s leading undertaker estimated the country’s death toll from the summer heat wave at 15,000 on Tuesday, far exceeding the official government tally and putting further pressure on the French government to improve its health care system.

    Meanwhile, in Iraq, continued resistance from the remnants of the Baathist regime continue to hound U.S. forces. Since President Bush declared major combat over 4 1/2 months ago, 149 U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq, none from the intense desert heat.

    The U.N., looking for a way to reconcile the two countries, realized that it would take 37.5 years for 15,000 elderly French to die in Iraq, compared to staying one summer in France, and that increased manpower looked desireable in the region. A deal was struck this week to ship the French elderly to Iraq to take part in patrol duties to stablize that nation and increase their life span.

    “This is a win-win situation for all involved,” beamed Kofi Annan, who negotiated the deal. “France gets to see continued longevity in its aged without straining its health system or importing air conditioners, the U.S. gets to increase its presence in the region, and Iraq gets increased vigilance against those who would undermine its future.”

  2. Antarctic Ozone Hole Second Biggest Ever

    From: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=585&ncid=585&e=4&u=/nm/20030912/sc_nm/science_ozone_dc

    “It was the largest it has ever been during August, and we are waiting to see what happens over the next few days,” Shanklin told Reuters by telephone from BAS headquarters in Cambridge.
    “It’s not the biggest ‘hole — that dubious honor still belongs to Larry Ellison — but at 10.81 million square miles, it is certainly worth worrying about.”
    Looking around nervously, Shanklin added “Excuse me, I need to apply another layer of SPF 25,000.”

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